Physio again- getting harder.

Todays physio session was by far the hardest yet.  I was doing exercises to improve my gait and posture, and they were really hard. I couldn’t do them at first and I got really frustrated.  I feel pathetic.  I should be able to do simple exercises like these.  I feel like crying sometimes, and I had to stop myself today.  That really would have been pathetic, crying in front of the physio.

The PT reassured me that of course they are going to be tough at first, but I will get stronger.  I know all this by now but it doesn’t make me feel any better.  I still feel weak and feel like I am moving too slowly, I was expecting to be a lot stronger than this.  I think my expectations of post op were unrealistic, I thought it would be easy.  But this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.  And I want it to be over.

I have been trying to arrange a placement for July.  I haven’t had much luck.  I am really panicking now, what if I cant get one?   If I cant, it means I cant go back to uni in sept. 

I sent an email to my tutor panicking and asking if anything had come up. Luckily  something has!  I just need approval from my surgeon.  Oh no, what if he says I can’t?  I want to do it!  And I would be prepared to do it without his permission, except uni want a letter to confirm it.  Help!  I feel I would be fine for placement though, I am much stronger than I was and by the time July comes round I will be even further along.  I don’t think it is a very physical placement either, so hopefully it will be a breeze!

8^th June – hydrotherapy

I had my first session of hydro today which felt like a waste of time.  I didn’t really do much, but the PT said they always go easy on you on the first session.  I cant wait til I can go back to the gym and start swimming properly again.  I feel fat from being so immobile and not doing much physical activity.

Cancellation

The night out for tomorrow is now cancelled, I am really gutted.  I was counting on that!  I hate not having a social life it’s pathetic!  I like having something to look forward to and that’s been taken away now!

My dad took me shopping today to get out for abit and I enjoyed that.  I sat in my chair because there were a lot of idiots who don’t look where they walk, and I didn’t feel safe walking amongst them with my sticks.  Little children always look at me and stare and it really makes me feel unnerved, I just stare back at them till they go away.  It sounds mean but I don’t like it.

Heaved a sigh of relief as I posted off my essay. 

Invitation!

I have been invited out!  Yay!  It is my cousin’s anniversary on the 3^rd so we are going out for the night.  I can’t wait!

Mum doesn’t think it’s a good idea, doesn’t think it’s safe for me to go where people are 'intoxicated’ and wants to wait till I get the approval from my surgeon.  Ha! Like I am going to wait that long!  I know when I am ready, and I am ready now.

Mum told the GP she is worried about my appetite because I don’t eat much and have missed some meals now and then.  He is going to ring me in a few days.  I am mad about this, I don’t need to talk to anyone and my appetite is fine!


***

Mum cancelled the telephone consult with the GP – after I demanded she did.  I don’t need a chat!  I have nothing to say and even if I did tell him how I am feeling what can he do about it? Force people to come and visit?  Don’t think so.  So what is the point?

I just feel really wound up at the moment with everything that is going on, and because I get the impression people don’t care.  The GP says I bottle things up and need to let things out, and I do sometimes.  But I hate letting people know how I feel, especially if I feel down or am not coping very well with something.  I see it as a sign of weakness, I like people to think I am doing fine.  Things are easier that way, there are no questions asked, and people wont think all I do is moan, or that I do it for attention.  I’m not saying people do think this, but you never know, the odd person may feel it is attention seeking.  So I would rather the attention is not on me, which is why I say I am fine, even when I am not.

Missing Uni

I want to go back to uni!  I don’t want to be here like a dependant little weakling using sticks.  I feel really lonely because everyone is still at uni/college or is working so I hardly get to see anyone.  I had a rubbish day, I was really bored.  I have no life.  I hate this; I should be able to go out when I want.  I want to hop in my car and go!  I was tempted to just get in and drive off somewhere this afternoon, to make a point.  The point being, I need to get back to normality and get out this house – I am sick to death of staying put!

While I was in this mood, I starting thinking about my family.  They are full of it, they all promised me they would come and see me after my op and take me out, or keep me company, etc.  And have they?  Nope!  Even the odd visitor would be nice but I've not seen anyone or even heard from half of them, what’s the deal?  I feel like they don’t care about me or they are too ‘busy’ to take half an hour to some see if I am ok.  I would do it for them, without a doubt.  It’s not fair, I was relying on them to get me through this and where are they all?  Busy with their lives.  At least they have one.

MORE Physio

I’m doing loads of exercises so why don’t I feel any different? I know I am expecting too much too soon but I can’t help it, I was expecting things to go faster than this.

I decided to invest in a wobble board so I can do my own wobble exercises at home.  I will feel happier if I am doing anything extra to help myself.

It is really hard trying to correct my gait and it frustrates me so much.  I can’t stop my hip from flexing and when I walk I have to walk so slow so I can clench my muscles to correct my hip.  I get out of breath; I must look so unhealthy to those watching.  I hate this!  I hope I am off the sticks and can walk properly by the time placement comes around; I don’t want to be like this on placement I will feel conscious around the patients.

24th May

Had a good cry today, I am so pathetic I can’t even do simple exercises.  I am mad at myself, I should be able to!  If I could have my own private PT I would have one so that they can make sure I am doing them properly, because I don’t know if I am.