14th July - end of first week
I am soooooo tired! I have done a lot of walking this week, more than I expected! I felt very very self conscious using my walking sticks, and I felt apprehensive about seeing patients because of this. Its something I will have to get over!
21st July – end of 2nd week
I am so unbelievably tired. I feel under a lot of pressure now, with being on placement I constantly have to put on a front that I feel fine, when actually I am shattered. I am under pressure to try and find the time and energy to do any PT, and I’m panicking about this essay because my placement is a hard one to write an essay about. And I know I only have this one chance to pass if I want to be back in sept on time with everyone else!
My confidence is shot-I don’t feel confident with the patients or in myself.
Yesterday I broke down in tears at work. I was being criticised for an assessment I had done, parts of which were not correct. It was all too much, I am doing my best! But my best doesn’t seem to be good enough.
I feel like I cant cope with everything that is going on right now.
I felt so stupid crying, but I couldn’t help it. Her criticism triggered something.
Hammered the gym again to make up for not doing exercises this week.
24th July- 3rd week
I am shattered, it doesn’t feel like I have had a weekend.
I feel so stupid for crying in work, I felt embarrassed and I have a horrible feeling that if anyone is nice to me I will cry again.
I was right, I did cry, I cant stop. I feel so exhausted and weak. Why am I letting this beat me?
I feel humiliated. We discussed exactly what I am feeling right now, and if anything can help me. I suggested reduced hours, to give me time in the week to do my PT so I can have the weekends free to rest. It was agreed, and I felt relieved but also cheeky for asking this. I feel like I have let myself down because I am not performing to the best of my abilities, I know I can do so well on placements and know one is seeing this because I physically cannot put any more effort into anything, I am working 110% but it isn’t showing.
29th July – end of 3rd week
It’s the end of my first week at reduced hours. I don’t feel as tired, and haven’t been as tearful this week. I spent the weekend resting and that helped.
I did feel tearful when my tutor came on Wednesday, when I was telling her the situation I was in and how I wasn’t coping.
She asked me if I feel I will get through the placement, and I said yes because I have to! But it is TOTALLY at the wrong time in my rehab, and I realise this now. I had thought I would manage fine, but my expectations were unrealistic. I felt like I was being picked on when my educator was discussing how I have been on placement, like in my own little world and not giving much effort. She has NO IDEA! And I felt like screaming at her that YES I AM giving effort, but she is expecting FAR TOO MUCH from me, bearing in mind I am only 13 weeks post op!
Overall summary of placement –
Placement did not go as well as I was hoping, and I overestimated my abilities to be on placement. I had to push myself SO HARD to get through and I have never felt under so much stress and pressure.
The attitude of my educator did not help, I felt intimidated and like I was a disappointment to her because I could not do things aswell as a 2nd year should be able to do. I had to try and live up to her high expectations and I couldn’t.
She wanted me to leave and pick up the placement at a later date when I am physically stronger. But this wasn’t an option and besides, I wanted to get it over with so I can rest and prepare for the next one!